I've been reminded lately that we humans have a genetic predisposition to rush in and fix other people's problems. It's not our fault. It's caused by gene #473. (kidding)
Our friend or colleague or patient or child or mailperson tells us about a problem or pain in their life and we immediately spring to action! We are now the expert on relationships or finances or medicine or garbage disposals, and are eager to share all our wisdom, intelligence, brainstorming, and experience with the poor suffering soul. Isn't that why they came to us? They have a problem, and they need help fixing it! Why else would they have told us????
Put the shoe on the other foot. You are in pain, you've got a big problem, your heart is heavy, you just need to talk to a friend, someone who will care. You take the risk, share your heart, and what you get back is... "Have you tried this? You need to _______. My uncle did such and such." And your heart sinks as you feel disconnected from your friend's heart and are now in a boring intellectual discussion. You could have gone to the internet if you just needed ideas or suggestions. What you really needed was someone to listen and care for you, and your heart. You needed human connection.
Something so simple, listening and caring, is routinely neglected. Why else would people pay me up to $100 an hour? Yes, sometimes they are looking for specific answers and suggestions. But often I don't do much more than listen carefully, and express care and compassion and empathy. They aren't getting it from their friends, so they come to me. They're starving for it.
Why is this essential salve for the soul so rare?
- One reason is that we live in a society that is fix-it oriented. We can not tolerate more than a moment of pain or problem, so there is a general rush to "make it better." We're all in on the conspiracy because we're America, dang it! We're problem solvers! We want life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness after all.
- Secondly, even though listening and caring is "easy," we often don't want to go there. It can make us feel uncomfortable. We may not want that depth of heart connection with this person. It can be scary. To enter into their pain and troubled heart with them may bring up issues within ourselves that we have tried to ignore. And it's a waste of time! We have things to do, for heaven's sake! If we're not going to jump into problem solving than "I gotta go." (American Idol is on.)
- Third, It makes us feel better. We think that by dispensing advice we have actually helped, even though we often haven't. But we can pat ourselves on the back for being a good and helpful friend and go on our way.
- And fourth, men actually may have a defective gene in this area! They are built to fix and solve and conquer. Listening without helping might make them blow a fuse! (Mothers may have this gene too. It's their job to solve all their childrens' problems, so they better get right to it!)
Tips...
If you are the listener:
- Listen and care first. There is always time to give advice after. You can't go wrong with this approach. Make sure their heart is adequately attended to before moving on to the practical stuff.
- Assume that your friend wants 90% listening and caring and 10% advice.
- Don't offer advice or suggestions unless they ask for it, or you ask them if they want it. At that point, if they say yes, they will be more ready to receive what you have to give anyway.
- Be up front about what you want. "I need to talk to you about something, and what I really need most from you is to just listen and care."
- If your friend starts jumping in with unsolicited, unwanted advice, shut them down immediately! "I know you really want to help me, and the best way to help right now is to just listen to my heart and care for me." It's ok to teach your friends about what you need from them!
MINISTRY UPDATE
Healing is a Choice: We had a great teleclass last Saturday, and 7 of the 9 people want to continue in a 3-month support group. If we have room I will advertise the day and time so you can join too if you'd like.
Sacred Pathways: I will be holding a teleclass on Saturday, August 8th based on the book Sacred Pathways. We will discover 9 major pathways that people use to connect with God. You will have a chance to identify your primary pathway. Time is 11am Eastern, 8am Pacific. Contact me asap if you want to be included in this free teleclass. doug@growingandhealingministries.com
2 comments so far: Click here to add yours!:
When a friend of mine was shot to deth a few years ago in hold-up at an ATM machine, a co-worker of mine offered the greatest words of sympathy and help I received. She simply came in my office, threw herself in a chair and let out a string of expletives. She didnt try to make sense of the mess or make me feel better, she just acknowledged how awful the whole thing was. Somehow that complete empathy helped me to grieve and begin to move more constructively out of the grief. OK, maybe we shouldn't start cursing up a storm in front of our friends who are in trouble but you get the idea...and it worked with me....
I get your point, and it is well said. Too often we, as Christians, think that suppressing emotion is somehow holy, when what we need to do is feel it, express it, and move on! Keeps you from getting stuck.
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