Be Transformered by the renewing of your Movie

[used by permission]

Dear Coach Doug,

My husband & I are both Christians but differ in our opinions when it comes to movies. He really wants to see Transformers but I don't. There is really not much else to see.

I have 2 issues regarding this film. 1st, I don't like the thought of my husband viewing other women's body parts & 2nd, it's not family friendly and we will be taking our 14 yr. old boy to see it.

On one hand I want to let my husband see what he wants (I know I can't control him & shouldn't try). He is about to deploy overseas soon. I'm really sick of all the filth in movies nowadays and it really is hard to even enjoy most of the films. Even though my husband tells me otherwise, I can't help but feel that he likes looking at those women & could be comparing me to them.

Please don't be harsh on me in your response. I was abused in every form as a child. I really wish that I could go to a movie without this stuff bothering me. I am seeking good Godly counsel. I have a therapist that I have been seeing on a regular basis and I like her. I just happen to be out of State & needed some answers & prayer concerning this. I really hope to hear from you today. God bless.

Sincerely,

Torn in Tallahassee


Dear Torn,

I hope your out of state experience is being a good one for you!

I'm sorry to hear you were so abused. I know you must have to guess at what "normal" is.

Well, this issue is certainly one of those "gray" areas that Paul addresses when he talks about "eating meat sacrificed to idols." Let me give you a few thoughts, based on what I know so far.

• If YOU don't want to go, you don't have to. And if it violates your conscience, you probably shouldn't.
• If your husband wants to go, you're right, you can't control him. He has to be free to make his own decisions. However, you can certainly express to him your concerns, and how it makes YOU feel when he goes to these type of movies. That is just good communication. (Beyond that we'd have to get in to a big "boundaries" discussion, which would really need a phone conversation.)
• If your husband tells you that he isn't lusting over those women, or comparing you and them, you should trust him, unless you have good reason not to. I'm thinking that maybe your abuse has made you over-sensitive in this area? Not sure.
• If you don't think it's good for your 14 year old to see this film then you can be firm in your conviction about that and not participate in "helping" it happen.
• If you are going to fight your husband on this, do not put your kid in the middle. He should not be aware that his dad is pushing for him to go and his mom is pushing for him not to go. If you can't convince your husband not to take him, I wouldn't step in the middle, as hard as that may be. If he was taking him to go drinking and to a strip joint I would advise differently!!

Hope that helps. Safe travels!

Coach Doug

Dear Coach Doug,

Thanks so much for your response. I appreciate it. Could you give me the scripture reference that you were referring to? Any other scripture references that you feel will be helpful would be greatly appreciated as well.

Again this issue is really hurting and eating at me. I can forget about it for awhile but once the movie topic comes up it starts all over again.

I have tried to discuss it with my husband but it gives him the impression that I don't trust him and I am afraid to keep discussing it because I feel like it will only make matters worse. If he feels like I'm accusing him of liking what he sees, etc... then why not?

This really hadn't been an issue for me until about 3 yrs ago when he came back from a deployment. He confessed to me about something. He said that pornography was really prevalent there. Every time he turned around one of the guys had porn on hand. He did his best to avoid it, in fact he would throw the garbage away. He said a couple of times it got the best of him & so he looked. I know that him telling me was great and getting rid of what was around was great. I know that there are many other wives who have it so much worse than that. I know that I internalized it as failure on my part and I still continue to internalize it as not being good, beautiful, or sexy enough. Sorry about the word but that's how I feel.

Thanks again for being there. I am crying as I work through the feelings and try to articulate exactly what is going on within me. I love my husband deeply and I really don't want this to cause friction between us. He really wants to watch a movie with me tonight and there is really nothing descent playing except for Gforce (which my son wants to see but my husband doesn't).

Oftentimes, my husband does back away from what he wants to do to keep the peace. I want to be fair and do the same for him. I just wish he would turn his head as soon as he sees the sexual imagery because oftentimes it is prolonged on the screen. When he doesn't that bothers me even more.

I have about 5 more days here then I return home without him. I might get to see him one more time before he deploys but I'm not sure. I really want to make the most of our time together.

Thanks again & God bless,

Torn in Tallahassee

Dear Torn,

The Scriptures I was refering to are:

• Romans 14:1-23 "The weak and the strong"
• 1 Corinthians 8:1-13 "Food sacrificed to idols"
• 1 Corintians 10:23-30 "The believer's freedom"

I would be happy to continue this conversation by phone, at a time that's convenient for you.

Peace,

Coach Doug

MINISTRY UPDATE

For those of you who have tried to post a comment on these articles and it hasn't worked, try it again. I think it's fixed now. (At the end of this post click on the link that says, "X comments: Click here to read them, or post yours")

As a follow-up to the teleclass we had about Healing is a Choice we started a 3-month phone support group with 8 members! The next teleclass will either be on the topic of "Connecting with God" or "Boundaries." Stay tuned!

We experimented with advertising on facebook and had 9 people contact us for help! Please pray that these folks would get the growth and healing they need.

To Let Go

We have probably all heard the phrase, "Let go and let God." But what does "let go" mean?

I thought this anonymous explanation was a great one, especially for those of us who have a tendency to get TOO involved in other's lives, or even in our OWN lives! It explains what Letting Go IS and what it ISN'T. I found it very helpful.

To Let Go

To let go does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off; it is the realization that I can't control another.

To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness; which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another; but to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for, but to care about.

To let go is not to fix; but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge; but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle, arranging all the out-comes; but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To let go is not to be protective; but to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny, but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue; but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires; but to take each day as it comes.

To let go is not to regret the past; but to try to become what I dream I can be.

MINISTRY UPDATE

The next teleclass will be "Sacred Pathways," where we will learn about nine ways to connect with God. It will be a Saturday morning. I'll keep you posted on the date, but it will be in August. If you'd like to reserve a seat now, email me at doug@growingandhealingministries.com .

To listen or to fix

I've been reminded lately that we humans have a genetic predisposition to rush in and fix other people's problems. It's not our fault. It's caused by gene #473. (kidding)

Our friend or colleague or patient or child or mailperson tells us about a problem or pain in their life and we immediately spring to action! We are now the expert on relationships or finances or medicine or garbage disposals, and are eager to share all our wisdom, intelligence, brainstorming, and experience with the poor suffering soul. Isn't that why they came to us? They have a problem, and they need help fixing it! Why else would they have told us????

Put the shoe on the other foot. You are in pain, you've got a big problem, your heart is heavy, you just need to talk to a friend, someone who will care. You take the risk, share your heart, and what you get back is... "Have you tried this? You need to _______. My uncle did such and such." And your heart sinks as you feel disconnected from your friend's heart and are now in a boring intellectual discussion. You could have gone to the internet if you just needed ideas or suggestions. What you really needed was someone to listen and care for you, and your heart. You needed human connection.

Something so simple, listening and caring, is routinely neglected. Why else would people pay me up to $100 an hour? Yes, sometimes they are looking for specific answers and suggestions. But often I don't do much more than listen carefully, and express care and compassion and empathy. They aren't getting it from their friends, so they come to me. They're starving for it.

Why is this essential salve for the soul so rare?

1. One reason is that we live in a society that is fix-it oriented. We can not tolerate more than a moment of pain or problem, so there is a general rush to "make it better." We're all in on the conspiracy because we're America, dang it! We're problem solvers! We want life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness after all.
2. Secondly, even though listening and caring is "easy," we often don't want to go there. It can make us feel uncomfortable. We may not want that depth of heart connection with this person. It can be scary. To enter into their pain and troubled heart with them may bring up issues within ourselves that we have tried to ignore. And it's a waste of time! We have things to do, for heaven's sake! If we're not going to jump into problem solving than "I gotta go." (American Idol is on.)
3. Third, It makes us feel better. We think that by dispensing advice we have actually helped, even though we often haven't. But we can pat ourselves on the back for being a good and helpful friend and go on our way.
4. And fourth, men actually may have a defective gene in this area! They are built to fix and solve and conquer. Listening without helping might make them blow a fuse! (Mothers may have this gene too. It's their job to solve all their childrens' problems, so they better get right to it!)
   
   Tips...
   
   If you are the listener:

• Listen and care first. There is always time to give advice after. You can't go wrong with this approach. Make sure their heart is adequately attended to before moving on to the practical stuff.
• Assume that your friend wants 90% listening and caring and 10% advice.
• Don't offer advice or suggestions unless they ask for it, or you ask them if they want it. At that point, if they say yes, they will be more ready to receive what you have to give anyway.

If you are the one with the problem:

• Be up front about what you want. "I need to talk to you about something, and what I really need most from you is to just listen and care."
• If your friend starts jumping in with unsolicited, unwanted advice, shut them down immediately! "I know you really want to help me, and the best way to help right now is to just listen to my heart and care for me." It's ok to teach your friends about what you need from them!

I hope this helps you make better connections in your life!

MINISTRY UPDATE

Healing is a Choice: We had a great teleclass last Saturday, and 7 of the 9 people want to continue in a 3-month support group. If we have room I will advertise the day and time so you can join too if you'd like.

Sacred Pathways: I will be holding a teleclass on Saturday, August 8th based on the book Sacred Pathways. We will discover 9 major pathways that people use to connect with God. You will have a chance to identify your primary pathway. Time is 11am Eastern, 8am Pacific. Contact me asap if you want to be included in this free teleclass. doug@growingandhealingministries.com

21 Tips for Living

I was visiting my friend in Cocoa Beach, and he had this taped to the inside of his main door. I stole it to use for this blog. (He has no idea where they came from.)

1. Give people more than they expect, and do it cheerfully.
2. Marry someone you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
16. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
17. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
18. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
19. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
20. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
21. Spend some time alone.

What do you think? Click on the word comment below to post your thoughts.

MINISTRY UPDATE

We had 9 people join us yesterday for the teleclass on Healing is a Choice. It was fun and everyone got a lot out of it!

The three T's of good communication

When communication breaks down it is often because of three common mistakes. Truth is not told. Truth is told in a callous way. Or Truth is told at an inappropriate time. Good communication thrives on Truth, Tact, and Timing.

TRUTH: If we do not speak the truth we can not expect good communication. Usually when we think of not speaking the truth we think of outright lies. Although this is a problem, lack of truth can also take the form of not saying things that need to be said. It is an "error of ommission." Another way is to shade the truth by exaggerating some parts, or playing down others. For example, if coworker asks if the music she is playing at her desk is bothering you, instead of saying, "Yes," you say, "I'm getting used to it." For communication to be effective it needs to be undiluted and direct.

TACT: Sometimes the content we communicate is factually accurate but it is delivered in an unpalatable way! Our tone of voice, or the character assinations we tack on to our statements make it very difficult for the other to receive without being on the defensive. Many arguments start and blow up because of this. It's not the message that's the problem; it's the delivery system. For example, screaming "You left the dishes on the table again, you slob!" is not likely to be met by receptive ears. In fact, you'll probably get an earful back! "Well look at the loads of laundry you have backed up! And you never have dinner on time anyway."

TIMING: Sometimes we communicate truth in a tactful way, but at a time that doesn't work well. When the other is tired, preoccupied, sick, or has just suffered trauma they will be less likely to receive your communication with gratefulness. For example, when your spouse comes home and announces he lost his job it would not be the best time to point out why he shouldn't have taken that job in the first place, or all the reasons where you think he messed up and should do differently in his next job. Yes, sometimes truth can't wait for the perfect time. But if we stop and think we can usually spot a place in the schedule when we know it will be a good time for the other.

Truth, Tact, and Timing. Three keys to effective communication.

MINISTRY UPDATE

On Saturday, July 11th, I will be holding a free telephone class on the topic of "Healing is a Choice." I'd love for you to join us, and bring your friends too! For more details, please click HERE.

Tools for Morning and Evening prayer

If you're like me your mind wanders horribly during prayer! I find that if I have a list of potential topics to spur me to think about different things it makes the time much more meaningful.

I also find that if I write things down I am much more focused. So, at the end of this article you will see links to forms that incorporate these teaser phrases in a way that lets you "fill in the blanks," so to speak.

Try them out, and then let me know what you think by clicking on the "comment" link at the bottom of this article.

Morning Prayer Tool

• The theme of my dreams was...


• A "God thing" from yesterday was...


• God, I praise you because you are…


• God, I thank you for…


• God, today I am feeling…


• God, today my faith is…


• God, today I confess...


• God, I want to better understand...


• God, please help…


• God, please bless…


• God, I am worried about…


• God, I need your help with…


• In Jesus' name and authority I send to flight the evil forces affecting...


• God, what I need from you today is…


• God what would you like me to do about…


• God, what are the most important things for me to do accomplish today?


• God, what do you want to say to me right now?

If you would like to use a one-page form as an aid in writing out your responses to these questions, scroll to the bottom.

Evening Prayer Tool

• God, I praise you because you are…


• God, I thank you for…


• God, today I felt…


• God, today my faith was…


• God, today I confess...


• God, I want to better understand...


• God, please help…


• God, please bless…


• God, I am concerned about…


• God, I need your help with…


• In Jesus' name and authority I send to flight the evil forces affecting...


• God, what I need from you tomorrow is…


• God what would you like me to do about…


• God, what are the most important things for me to do accomplish tomorrow?


• God, I'd like you to speak to me in my dreams about...


• God, what are you saying to me?

NOTE: Clicking on these links below will bring you to a page where you can view the desired form. To Save the form, click on the word "Download" underneath the document. To Print the form, click on the word "More" at the top of the document, and choose "Print."

There is a Word and PDF version of each form. Choose whichever works best for you.

Morning Prayer Too...

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Morning Prayer Too...

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Evening Prayer Too...

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Evening Prayer Too...

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MINISTRY NEWS

I will be holding a free teleclass on the topic, "Healing is a Choice," on Saturday morning, July 11th, at 11AM Eastern. For more information, click HERE.

Are you myopic? Or hyperopic?

There once was a man who took really good care of himself. He exercised daily, got plenty of sleep, was never late with a payment, and had several interesting hobbies. His motto was, "Charity begins at home." However, he was never available to take friends to the airport, gave a dollar a week at church, thought that national and international news was boring and irrelevant, and avoided friends if they were having problems. He was myopic. Near-sighted.

There once was a woman who loved everyone. She took casseroles to the sick, volunteered for all committees at church, mowed her elderly neighbor's lawn, and gave generously to strangers in need. Her motto was, "It's better to burn out than rust out." However, she was broke, overweight, unhappy, and exhausted. She was on the verge of needing to be taken care of by others. She was hyperopic. Far-sighted.

Is it wrong to be near-sighted? Is it wrong to be far-sighted? Which is better?

The problem is that they're both disorders. A near-sighted person gets corrective lenses to enable him to see things at a distance, while continuing to see things close up. A far-sighted person gets lenses that help her see up close, while retaining her ability to see a distance.

Which corrective lenses do you need? Do you tend to be very aware of your own needs, and work to meet them, but stay relatively unfazed by the needs of others? Or are you always busy trying to meet the needs of others, while ignoring your own?

The Bible speaks simply to this issue: "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Philippians 2:4, NIV)

If you are near-sighted, the challenge is to begin to become more concerned about others. Intentionally get involved with people and situations and projects that get you out of yourself. Go on a short-term missions trip. Volunteer at a food bank. Call someone you know who is having a tough time. Pick a percentage of your income (even 1%) to start giving away to people in need, or worthy causes. Do something on purpose that is difficult or uncomfortable. Don't worry. You can do these things and still take good care of yourself!

If you are far-sighted, the challenge for you is to begin taking better care of yourself. Take a day off by shutting off the phone and not answering the door. Get counseling. Plan an event that has no purpose other than fun and enjoyment. Say "no" to someone. Join a club or a group that builds up your mental, emotional, or physical health. Delegate. Buy something for yourself that is absolutely not essential. Maybe even frivolous. For a week, choose to only talk to people who adore you. Turn things over to God. Give him have a chance to solve the world's problems. Don't worry. You can do these things and still give lots of time left to serve others. And the help you give will be a much better quality!

If you need corrective lenses, wear them! You will enrich your own life, and the lives of those around you. And you'll bump into stuff less!

Ministry News: We are still offering 3 free hours of free phone counseling to new clients, as well as previous clients who have not had counseling with us for at least a year. Who do you know that needs help?