To Forgive AND Forget?

I am curious Doug. I read somewhere on your blog that you have grieved your losses fully.

My questions...

• When I make a choice to forgive someone for a wrong they've done to me why is it that I am still very distressed when I see them?


• Why is it that I vacillate between feelings of outrage and feelings of compassion? I tell myself things like they really didn't want to do it, that they are too afraid to be authentic and real, to expose themselves.


• For that matter, what is fully grieved?

This is a wrong that deeply, deeply hurt me, impacted my personal safety, and turned my life upside down. I wonder if I have not fully grieved the loss and damage they caused.

Help!

Troubled in Toledo

Dear Troubled in Toledo,

First of all, I'm so sorry that you exprienced this. It sounds horrible! :(

Although I don't know the particular injustice that you experienced, I think you are confusing several things together, which is easy to do when you have been traumatized. Healing, forgiveness, reconciliation, emotions, grief, and boundaries are difficult to sort out sometimes.

Let's start with forgiveness. What a confusing subject!! A couple of things I think it is not are:

• It is not believing of saying it was "OK." If it were ok, forgiveness would not be needed.


• It is not liking the person.


• It is not having warm fuzzies about the person.


• It is not wanting to be close to the person.


• It is not forgetting that it ever happened.


• It is not feeling no "hurt" by the damage.

So, what is it?? I think the best analogy is that of debt. When you forgive someone of a debt, you don't keep looking to get repaid. It's cancelled. They don't owe you anything anymore. You don't send them to collections. You let it go. They're free. And so are you. The account is settled.

Another way I think about it is "letting go of the desire for revenge." To cause harm to them equal (or greater) than the harm done to you. That would be just. That would balance the scales. That woudl even the score. But that would't be forgiveness. Forgiveness is not holding a grudge.

Boundaries. Boundaries are what we do to protect ourself from harm. Just because you have forgiven someone doesn't mean you might not need boundaries to protect yourself from further harm. Yes, you forgave them for what they did in the past. But if they are not a safe person you would do well to learn from the past and not put yourself needlessly in the way of harm. Learning to discern whether someone is safe or not is a very important skill to learn. If you have grown up in an abusive family, you probably have no idea how to do that.

Reconciliation. Forgiveness is something you can choose to do all on your own. Reconciliation, however, depends on what the other person does as well. Reconciliation has to do with opening up your heart to the person again, letting them into your inner circle again. Again, how safe they are is critical. But also, how invested in the relationship with you are they? Have they demonstrated sincere repentance, with more than just words? Have they been grateful for your forgiveness? Have they been sensitive to your need for healing, and boundaries? If so, it may be wise to slowly approach a relationship with them again. People who work through that process usually end up being closer to each other than they were before the injury. The cast or splint may be stronger than the bone, so to speak.

Emotions. This is the trickiest part of it all! Emotions can be all over the map, regardless of what stage you are at in the whole process. Anger, hurt, depression, fear, rationalization, pity, anxiety, hate, minimizing, physical pain, and more are all normal and typical reactions to severe injury. They're ok. They have a point. But they are not THE point. Let them come and go. Talk about them. Feel them. But don't let them control what you DO. Keep doing the things mentioned above... Forgive, discern, set good boundaries, be open to reconciliation if appropriate. Do the right things, and let the feelings be what they will be. I often say, "If you got hit by a drunk driver and were laid up in the hospital, you could choose to forgive the driver, but you might still have lots of pain, and lots of emotions.

Triggers. When you are around the person who caused you the harm it may be very normal for you to feel fear. Even if they are now a safe person! Sometimes our emotions get triggered by a person or a situation that reminds us of the harm. Usually you can talk yourself through it, pray, come back to sanity.

PTSD: Depending on the type of harm that was done to you, how long it lasted, how sensitive you were, etc., you may have post traumatic stress disorder. If the level of harm is this deep you will struggle with difficult and painful and irrational emotions at unpredictable times. These will seem intrusive, unwanted, aggravating. You may experience "panic attacks." Generally, just talking about it, or trying to think logically, is not going to work. You may need some deep treatment, such as theophostic healing prayer, or EMDR (a psychological treatment using rapid eye movement). This is a very difficult and stubborn condition. If you have it, give yourself some grace, and don't beat yourself up for not "recovering" quickly. That will just make it worse.

Grief: Fully feeling the pain of the loss or harm helps you get through it to the other side. Most of us cut our grief process short, because it hurts too much. But if we bury it, we bury it alive, and it will come back to haunt us. I use a couple of analogies. One is a pool. You've got to dive deep into the pool, go all the way and touch bottom, and come up and go to the other side. Some people never touch bottom. Some people never go to the other side. You've got to do both. Another concept is the "three bottle theory." When you are hurt, God gives you a bottle, a friend a bottle, and he keeps a bottle. When all three bottles are filled up with our tears, we will have adequately grieved and healed, and will be able to move on confidently. Our society is way too skiddish about crying. "Bottling up" your tears helps no one.

I hope that helps sort out what sounds like a confusing situation!

Peace to you.

Coach Doug

Relevant Links

• Book: Safe People http://www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Relationships-Avoid-those/dp/0310210844/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1203393889&sr=8-1


• Book: Forgiving the Unforgiveable http://www.amazon.com/Forgiving-Unforgivable-David-Stoop/dp/0830737235/ref=pd_bbs_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1203393937&sr=1-1


• Book: Boundaries http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/0310247454/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1203394096&sr=1-1

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What my life would look like WITHOUT my character defects

This was written by a former client, with permission.

A life without People Pleasing would allow me more energy physically, emotionally and mentally. It would afford me the opportunity to do some fun creative things that I’m currently unable to do because at the end of the day I don’t have the energy to carry them out. I would be free to be me, be accountable to me and not looking for someone else’s approval, so I can feel good about myself.

A life without Exaggeration or Deceitfulness would allow me the opportunity to be straightforward and not worry about what others think. I would not have to make myself look better to other people than I really am or put on appearances that I am better than what does actually exist in my life. I will get my esteem from within rather than from the outside and as I moderate myself others will listen, and hear me as I’m not exaggerating something which causes them to question what I am saying.

A life without Dishonesty and Lying would allow me freedom from that sick feeling that erupts in my stomach when I am being dishonest or lying. It would help me to walk in integrity without the fear of being found out as a liar. I could esteem myself from within rather than seeking to do so from others as I moderate myself and learn to use boundaries well. Integrity would allow me to be humble and admit when I thought more of myself rather than submitting to a process that I formerly didn’t give any credit to.

A life without acting out a Hypochondriac/Physical Injury would allow me freedom to live my life well. To not have to have an illness to get someone’s attention, but to find other means to get my needs met and to be recognized for some accomplishments other than recognized for sicknesses or injuries. I can deal with the real problems or feelings that I’m faced with and not have to injure myself in an attempt to withdraw from life’s circumstances I’m afraid to face. I would accept that I have value and run with it and not hide from it.

A life without Blaming Others For My Circumstances would allow me to take ownership for my thoughts, feelings, wants, needs and actions. I would not need to look for an individual to accuse, blame, criticize, ridicule or attack when something doesn’t go as I have planned. Instead I get to own it and see how I could have done something better, so I can learn from it.

A life without Gossiping Against Those Who Oppose Me would allow me freedom and energy to do other things, learn to let go rather than hold a grudge, let someone else off the hook rather than expending energy to make someone pay for the opposition. Would allow others to feel safe and may cause them to want to draw near rather than to withdraw from me.

A life without Shutting Others Out would allow me to have friends, a sense of community for that is what I’ve longed for. It would allow others to speak into my life and I would not have to fear their rejection, but consider what they may have to offer me that would enhance my life. I would have the opportunity to learn rather than loose energy in keeping the one up position.

A life without Striving For Power and Recognition would allow me the opportunity to rest, be content and satisfied with who I am rather than trying to make a place for myself. I’d get to benefit from the scripture in Psalms or Proverbs that says your gift makes a place for you at the table. Proverbs 18:16 – A man’s gift maketh room for him, and bringeth him before great men.

A life without Indecisiveness would allow me time and energy to live more life. It would free me to make a decision and live with it and its consequences rather than “spinning” in regard to what I fear others might think concerning my decision or fear to appear less than based on my decision.

A life without Helplessness would allow me an opportunity to explore, grow, and feel a sense of accomplishment. It would cause me to know what the growing process feels like and to succeed rather than to shrink back out of fear. I would not have to be less than, but live in the sense of my own worth and value.

A life without being a victim would allow me to have a new identity. To reach for goals, believe in myself, to walk out of my circumstances rather than to accept that what life has given me is all that I am worthy of. It would allow me the opportunity to take new risks and risk succeeding rather than accepting the shame or less than position that has felt so comfortable.

A life without being irresponsible financially would allow me the opportunity to be at peace when low economic times encapsulate us. It would allow me to plan and prepare for my future instead of fearing it. I would plan for events and enjoy them rather than sulk that I wasn’t able to do something due to my lack of planning or sulk because others had more money than I did and had greater opportunities than I did. I would have the opportunity to get some things I want and be happy, but not bound by them.

A life without Irrational or Extreme Thinking would allow me be to be vulnerable, to risk sharing my hurts or fears rather than having to clothe myself in extreme or irrational thinking which most times leads to anger and an incongruent reality. It would allow me to practice moderation and be accepted rather than rejected for my immoderation.

A life without Perfectionism would allow me the opportunity to enjoy life, others and my environment without being on all the time. It would allow people to draw close rather than to risk me correcting their speech, fixing their shirt or picking a hair off their clothing. I could let go and conserve the energy to do other desirable things.

A life without Over Commitment would allow me the opportunity to enjoy life, not stress out or continue in a sense of chaos when I am overwhelmed by my commitments. I’d have to deal with my feelings rather than accept the discomfort I feel when chaos rears its head and I feel over committed.

A life without Misplaced Responsibility would allow me more freedom to live my life without getting into others. I don’t have to fix others and I have more time to do things that I will find satisfactory and enjoyable. I will get to observe other people and their choices, but will no longer feel obligated to fix them or offer them all my “wisdom” which they never wanted in the first place I learned much to my astonishment and horror when I was still so full of myself.

A life without being Critical of others would allow me the opportunity to compliment rather than criticize. Grow in acceptance rather than criticize. Grow in awareness rather than looking for someone to blame or expose so that I can feel better than at their expense.

A life without Pushing others to be my Higher Power would allow me the opportunity to think on my own feet. Allow me to own my thoughts feelings, wants and needs without pushing off my personal responsibility so I can blame another person rather than owning my own stuff around that. It would allow me to live a life that is fulfilling motivated by my own power rather than sucking the life out of someone else to discover what they think and allow me to think on my own without fearing the repercussions of my choices.

A life without Lack of Passion out of Fear would allow me to succeed. To explore my fears and find out what holds me back from succeeding or accomplishing those things that truly are hidden inside. I get to risk being known rather than withdrawing. Learn from any mistakes I make along the way and right them off as a lesson learned rather than spinning in shame as I’ve previously done.

A life without Explosive Expressions of emotions would allow me to be moderate, to feel the acceptance of others rather than the rejection of others. It would allow a great deal of peace which would replace the turbulence I have felt for so many years due to the chaos of felt both internally and externally. I would live the abundant life rather than the chaotic life of poor choices of not knowing how to identify my emotions, moderate them rather than allowing them to dominate me and protect others rather than spewing toxins out on another person making me an unsafe person to be near.

A life without Controlling the Reality of others would allow me to learn a new way to be comfortable. It would allow me to let go and let them discover their own consequences rather than be the “Food Queen, Health Queen, Know it All Porcupine Queen” which caused others to withdraw and hide from the discomfort I inflicted on others. We just watched 7 Pounds where there was a scene where the guy scared out of her mind a single mom with two kids whose boyfriend was being very abusive. She wasn’t ready to accept the truth and it was a great illustration to understand what I have been doing to others. When she was ready, she made the call. I can walk in awareness, but have more energy to extend grace, love, compassion or acceptance or state that would not be okay with me, but not feel responsible to change or fix them.

A life without an Inadequate Sex Life or Intimacy Issues would allow me to be vulnerable, state my sensual desires where I could be soft, tender and take greater risks to be known rather than demand, be harsh or critical. I would find tenderness as I’ve never know, learn more compassion and awareness in knowing my mate rather than hear that I don’t know him and we’ve lived together x# of years.

A life without Blocking intimacy with extreme conclusions would allow me be loved, valued and to be vulnerable rather than defending myself in fear that I might actually get what I want. It would allow us to draw close to one another in tenderness, taking risks to be known more and accepting my mate for his strengths as well as his weakness rather than requiring him to be strong all the time out of my fear that I will not be well protected or may suffer abuse again.

A life without Unnecessary Arguments would allow me to walk freely, not have to make myself look better when I feel small inside. I could deal with the past and forgive instead of making someone else pay for the former offenses of another. I could let go of the need for perpetual chaos and walk in dignity and self respect rather than tearing at other people’s value or shaming them for things that formerly triggered me and is really a place I am still wounded and need to grow in.

A life without Resentment, score keeping, and jealousy in relationships or concerning belongings would allow me the opportunity to grow in contentment, enjoy the things and relationships I have. Allow others the freedom to be themselves without manipulating them to give me some of what they have. To rejoice with another person rather than resent them for what they have relationally, financially, spiritually or emotionally.

A life without Self-Centeredness, Unable to be Present or Counted On would allow me the opportunity to live life without others being disappointed with me. I would no longer have to fear their judgment or fear letting them down. I could own my limits as well as know my strengths and accept that I do not have to be perfect or put on a facade that I am. Owning my weaknesses allow me to walk in awareness rather than self-centeredness; it allows me to be present rather than withdrawing out of inferior feelings that formerly dominated me; it allows other to count on me because I’ve already counted the cost before committing.

A life without My Way Or The Highway would allow me to walk in humility rather than a One Up position where I am always trying to prove myself value to myself and to others. It would allow me to make myself vulnerable and ask another person what their perspective is and how they would handle a situation. It would allow an opportunity to know others in a greater capacity and take the risk to let others be in control so I could loose control and enjoy the ride more often than not.

A life without Always Having To Be Right would allow me the same luxury that living without My Way or the Highway affords. It would allow me to walk in humility rather than a One Up position where I am always trying to prove myself value to me and to others. It would allow me to make myself vulnerable and ask another person what their perspective is and how they would handle a situation. It would allow an opportunity to no others in great capacity and take the risk to let others be in control so I could loose control and enjoy the ride more often than not.

A life without Low Self Esteem would allow me to grow in expressing myself, look for other ways to esteem myself and learn more of what I like, think, feel, want and need. It would afford me the opportunity to explore new things, take new risks and discover things I may have previously feared. Awareness of Low Self Esteem has opened up a myriad of new places I want to venture out in.

A life without An Inability to esteem others would allow me to encourage others. Look for ways to build others up, think of others more than myself, and grow in compassion and understanding of others. Walk in awareness that sometimes others need someone else to care at a low point in their life.

A life without Poor Self Care would allow me the opportunity to live a long health life I want to live rather than medicating myself to death. It will allow me the opportunity to enjoy life because I feel good and no longer withdraw out of fear through medication of some sort. Only potential lies ahead as I choose to live life abundantly rather than in fear.

A life without Justification would allow the opportunity to know myself without blaming, accusing or criticize others for situations I felt were substandard. It would cause me to walk in integrity, no longer acting in a covert way to get others to agree with me so I can feel good about myself. It will allow me to face my feelings of inferiority and to no longer live in Fear of "Not Looking Good" in other people's eyes as I’m no longer looking for them to esteem me, but I know how to do that for myself.

People just like you made it through!

One thing that puzzles me is how easy the people in the Bible had it. Everything always went right. They had no problems or struggles. Their prayers were answered immediately. They had perfect families. And they had more money than they knew what to do with!

Me? Well, I struggle with the current economic downturn, my health could be better, just started a new business that takes so much of my time, I have three teenagers, get a bad attitude more than I care to admit, and so on! I wish I had it as good as those saints of old.

Oh. Wait a minute. Now that I think about it, some of those bible heroes did have occasional hard times... I mean, Joseph. His brothers couldn't stand him, decided to kill him, then changed their mind and sold him as a slave. Then he gets to do time in prison for trying to stay pure. I guess his life was not always a piece of cake.

Oh, and maybe Noah. He was constantly ridiculed when building a boat in the desert. Nobody but his family listened to his warnings.

We can throw in David, if you'd like. Saul hunted him down like prey. His son died in infancy. And his son mounted a rebellion against him. Not good times.

Another exception might be Jacob who worked 7 years for his wife, and then had to work another 7 because he was tricked! That would be a drag.

Jeremiah was torn apart inside, depressed and resentful because no one listened to the word of God he was declaring.

Moses got to see the Promised Land but wasn't allowed to enter it, even though God had used him to deliver the people from Egypt.

And what about Daniel who got thrown in the lion's den just because he prayed? That's not a walk in the park.

Paul was certainly another exception since he had multiple prison stays, severe floggings, stonings, shipwrecks, was often hungry, thirsty, tired, cold, and naked, and was in danger from just about everyone. Not a posh life.

And we must mention Jesus. Reviled, persecuted, disbelieved, abandoned, betrayed, beaten, crucified... a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. Not the lifestyle of the rich and famous!

I admit, there are a large number of exceptions. In fact, I'd have to say that an easy, problem-free life IS the exception among Bible characters!

The Good News? Because of their faith, these folks made it through! Not because they were better people than you and me... stronger, smarter, holier, charmed. But because of their faith in the One who was in charge of their lives. They trusted that God was good in spite of their circumstances. They trusted that even if their faith led to death that God was still in charge, that he still loved and cared about them, and that they would still get their reward on the other side. They had eyes to see the reality that extends beyond the physical. Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” (NIV)

What are you up against today? Bankruptcy? A dissolving marriage? Loss of a job? Devastating illness? Rebellious children? Loss of hope? Loss of direction? Emotional pain? Addiction? Whatever it is, do you have faith? Faith that God still loves you? That he is in control of your life? That he wants the best for you? That he will never leave you or forsake you? That no matter what you suffer in this life, your eternal reward will far outweigh it? If you have faith in this God, you can make it through ANYTHING! Even death.

Let me leave you today with an encouraging word from Hebrews 12:1-3. “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up.” (NLT)

Jesus made it through. Others made it through. You can too!!

Amen


This article was originally written by Doug Doan for Christian Professionals Resource