Fans and Followers

Be Transformered by the renewing of your Movie

2009-08-23T10:58:00.003-04:00

[used by permission]

Dear Coach Doug,

My husband & I are both Christians but differ in our opinions when it comes to movies. He really wants to see Transformers but I don't. There is really not much else to see.

I have 2 issues regarding this film. 1st, I don't like the thought of my husband viewing other women's body parts & 2nd, it's not family friendly and we will be taking our 14 yr. old boy to see it.

On one hand I want to let my husband see what he wants (I know I can't control him & shouldn't try). He is about to deploy overseas soon. I'm really sick of all the filth in movies nowadays and it really is hard to even enjoy most of the films. Even though my husband tells me otherwise, I can't help but feel that he likes looking at those women & could be comparing me to them.

Please don't be harsh on me in your response. I was abused in every form as a child. I really wish that I could go to a movie without this stuff bothering me. I am seeking good Godly counsel. I have a therapist that I have been seeing on a regular basis and I like her. I just happen to be out of State & needed some answers & prayer concerning this. I really hope to hear from you today. God bless.

Sincerely,

Torn in Tallahassee

Dear Torn,

I hope your out of state experience is being a good one for you!

I'm sorry to hear you were so abused. I know you must have to guess at what "normal" is.

Well, this issue is certainly one of those "gray" areas that Paul addresses when he talks about "eating meat sacrificed to idols." Let me give you a few thoughts, based on what I know so far.

If YOU don't want to go, you don't have to. And if it violates your conscience, you probably shouldn't.
If your husband wants to go, you're right, you can't control him. He has to be free to make his own decisions. However, you can certainly express to him your concerns, and how it makes YOU feel when he goes to these type of movies. That is just good communication. (Beyond that we'd have to get in to a big "boundaries" discussion, which would really need a phone conversation.)
If your husband tells you that he isn't lusting over those women, or comparing you and them, you should trust him, unless you have good reason not to. I'm thinking that maybe your abuse has made you over-sensitive in this area? Not sure.
If you don't think it's good for your 14 year old to see this film then you can be firm in your conviction about that and not participate in "helping" it happen.
If you are going to fight your husband on this, do not put your kid in the middle. He should not be aware that his dad is pushing for him to go and his mom is pushing for him not to go. If you can't convince your husband not to take him, I wouldn't step in the middle, as hard as that may be. If he was taking him to go drinking and to a strip joint I would advise differently!!

Hope that helps. Safe travels!

Coach Doug

Dear Coach Doug,

Thanks so much for your response. I appreciate it. Could you give me the scripture reference that you were referring to? Any other scripture references that you feel will be helpful would be greatly appreciated as well.

Again this issue is really hurting and eating at me. I can forget about it for awhile but once the movie topic comes up it starts all over again.

I have tried to discuss it with my husband but it gives him the impression that I don't trust him and I am afraid to keep discussing it because I feel like it will only make matters worse. If he feels like I'm accusing him of liking what he sees, etc... then why not?

This really hadn't been an issue for me until about 3 yrs ago when he came back from a deployment. He confessed to me about something. He said that pornography was really prevalent there. Every time he turned around one of the guys had porn on hand. He did his best to avoid it, in fact he would throw the garbage away. He said a couple of times it got the best of him & so he looked. I know that him telling me was great and getting rid of what was around was great. I know that there are many other wives who have it so much worse than that. I know that I internalized it as failure on my part and I still continue to internalize it as not being good, beautiful, or sexy enough. Sorry about the word but that's how I feel.

Thanks again for being there. I am crying as I work through the feelings and try to articulate exactly what is going on within me. I love my husband deeply and I really don't want this to cause friction between us. He really wants to watch a movie with me tonight and there is really nothing descent playing except for Gforce (which my son wants to see but my husband doesn't).

Oftentimes, my husband does back away from what he wants to do to keep the peace. I want to be fair and do the same for him. I just wish he would turn his head as soon as he sees the sexual imagery because oftentimes it is prolonged on the screen. When he doesn't that bothers me even more.

I have about 5 more days here then I return home without him. I might get to see him one more time before he deploys but I'm not sure. I really want to make the most of our time together.

Thanks again & God bless,

Torn in Tallahassee

Dear Torn,

The Scriptures I was refering to are:

Romans 14:1-23 "The weak and the strong"
1 Corinthians 8:1-13 "Food sacrificed to idols"
1 Corintians 10:23-30 "The believer's freedom"

I would be happy to continue this conversation by phone, at a time that's convenient for you.

Peace,

Coach Doug

MINISTRY UPDATE

For those of you who have tried to post a comment on these articles and it hasn't worked, try it again. I think it's fixed now. (At the end of this post click on the link that says, "X comments: Click here to read them, or post yours")

As a follow-up to the teleclass we had about Healing is a Choice we started a 3-month phone support group with 8 members! The next teleclass will either be on the topic of "Connecting with God" or "Boundaries." Stay tuned!

We experimented with advertising on facebook and had 9 people contact us for help! Please pray that these folks would get the growth and healing they need.

To Let Go

2009-08-09T10:13:00.000-04:00

We have probably all heard the phrase, "Let go and let God." But what does "let go" mean?

I thought this anonymous explanation was a great one, especially for those of us who have a tendency to get TOO involved in other's lives, or even in our OWN lives! It explains what Letting Go IS and what it ISN'T. I found it very helpful.

To Let Go

To let go does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off; it is the realization that I can't control another.

To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness; which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another; but to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for, but to care about.

To let go is not to fix; but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge; but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle, arranging all the out-comes; but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To let go is not to be protective; but to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny, but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue; but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires; but to take each day as it comes.

To let go is not to regret the past; but to try to become what I dream I can be.

MINISTRY UPDATE

The next teleclass will be "Sacred Pathways," where we will learn about nine ways to connect with God. It will be a Saturday morning. I'll keep you posted on the date, but it will be in August. If you'd like to reserve a seat now, email me at doug@growingandhealingministries.com .

To listen or to fix

2009-07-26T11:11:00.000-04:00

I've been reminded lately that we humans have a genetic predisposition to rush in and fix other people's problems. It's not our fault. It's caused by gene #473. (kidding)

Our friend or colleague or patient or child or mailperson tells us about a problem or pain in their life and we immediately spring to action! We are now the expert on relationships or finances or medicine or garbage disposals, and are eager to share all our wisdom, intelligence, brainstorming, and experience with the poor suffering soul. Isn't that why they came to us? They have a problem, and they need help fixing it! Why else would they have told us????

Put the shoe on the other foot. You are in pain, you've got a big problem, your heart is heavy, you just need to talk to a friend, someone who will care. You take the risk, share your heart, and what you get back is... "Have you tried this? You need to _______. My uncle did such and such." And your heart sinks as you feel disconnected from your friend's heart and are now in a boring intellectual discussion. You could have gone to the internet if you just needed ideas or suggestions. What you really needed was someone to listen and care for you, and your heart. You needed human connection.

Something so simple, listening and caring, is routinely neglected. Why else would people pay me up to $100 an hour? Yes, sometimes they are looking for specific answers and suggestions. But often I don't do much more than listen carefully, and express care and compassion and empathy. They aren't getting it from their friends, so they come to me. They're starving for it.

Why is this essential salve for the soul so rare?

One reason is that we live in a society that is fix-it oriented. We can not tolerate more than a moment of pain or problem, so there is a general rush to "make it better." We're all in on the conspiracy because we're America, dang it! We're problem solvers! We want life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness after all.
Secondly, even though listening and caring is "easy," we often don't want to go there. It can make us feel uncomfortable. We may not want that depth of heart connection with this person. It can be scary. To enter into their pain and troubled heart with them may bring up issues within ourselves that we have tried to ignore. And it's a waste of time! We have things to do, for heaven's sake! If we're not going to jump into problem solving than "I gotta go." (American Idol is on.)
Third, It makes us feel better. We think that by dispensing advice we have actually helped, even though we often haven't. But we can pat ourselves on the back for being a good and helpful friend and go on our way.
And fourth, men actually may have a defective gene in this area! They are built to fix and solve and conquer. Listening without helping might make them blow a fuse! (Mothers may have this gene too. It's their job to solve all their childrens' problems, so they better get right to it!)

Tips...

If you are the listener:

Listen and care first. There is always time to give advice after. You can't go wrong with this approach. Make sure their heart is adequately attended to before moving on to the practical stuff.
Assume that your friend wants 90% listening and caring and 10% advice.
Don't offer advice or suggestions unless they ask for it, or you ask them if they want it. At that point, if they say yes, they will be more ready to receive what you have to give anyway.

If you are the one with the problem:

Be up front about what you want. "I need to talk to you about something, and what I really need most from you is to just listen and care."
If your friend starts jumping in with unsolicited, unwanted advice, shut them down immediately! "I know you really want to help me, and the best way to help right now is to just listen to my heart and care for me." It's ok to teach your friends about what you need from them!

I hope this helps you make better connections in your life!

MINISTRY UPDATE

Healing is a Choice: We had a great teleclass last Saturday, and 7 of the 9 people want to continue in a 3-month support group. If we have room I will advertise the day and time so you can join too if you'd like.

Sacred Pathways: I will be holding a teleclass on Saturday, August 8th based on the book Sacred Pathways. We will discover 9 major pathways that people use to connect with God. You will have a chance to identify your primary pathway. Time is 11am Eastern, 8am Pacific. Contact me asap if you want to be included in this free teleclass. doug@growingandhealingministries.com

21 Tips for Living

2009-07-10T22:12:00.000-04:00

I was visiting my friend in Cocoa Beach, and he had this taped to the inside of his main door. I stole it to use for this blog. (He has no idea where they came from.)

Give people more than they expect, and do it cheerfully.
Marry someone you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want.
When you say, "I love you," mean it.
When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
Believe in love at first sight.
Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.
In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
Don't judge people by their relatives.
Talk slowly but think quickly.
When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
Spend some time alone.

What do you think? Click on the word comment below to post your thoughts.

MINISTRY UPDATE

We had 9 people join us yesterday for the teleclass on Healing is a Choice. It was fun and everyone got a lot out of it!

The three T's of good communication

2009-06-27T13:00:00.000-04:00

When communication breaks down it is often because of three common mistakes. Truth is not told. Truth is told in a callous way. Or Truth is told at an inappropriate time. Good communication thrives on Truth, Tact, and Timing.

TRUTH: If we do not speak the truth we can not expect good communication. Usually when we think of not speaking the truth we think of outright lies. Although this is a problem, lack of truth can also take the form of not saying things that need to be said. It is an "error of ommission." Another way is to shade the truth by exaggerating some parts, or playing down others. For example, if coworker asks if the music she is playing at her desk is bothering you, instead of saying, "Yes," you say, "I'm getting used to it." For communication to be effective it needs to be undiluted and direct.

TACT: Sometimes the content we communicate is factually accurate but it is delivered in an unpalatable way! Our tone of voice, or the character assinations we tack on to our statements make it very difficult for the other to receive without being on the defensive. Many arguments start and blow up because of this. It's not the message that's the problem; it's the delivery system. For example, screaming "You left the dishes on the table again, you slob!" is not likely to be met by receptive ears. In fact, you'll probably get an earful back! "Well look at the loads of laundry you have backed up! And you never have dinner on time anyway."

TIMING: Sometimes we communicate truth in a tactful way, but at a time that doesn't work well. When the other is tired, preoccupied, sick, or has just suffered trauma they will be less likely to receive your communication with gratefulness. For example, when your spouse comes home and announces he lost his job it would not be the best time to point out why he shouldn't have taken that job in the first place, or all the reasons where you think he messed up and should do differently in his next job. Yes, sometimes truth can't wait for the perfect time. But if we stop and think we can usually spot a place in the schedule when we know it will be a good time for the other.

Truth, Tact, and Timing. Three keys to effective communication.

MINISTRY UPDATE

On Saturday, July 11th, I will be holding a free telephone class on the topic of "Healing is a Choice." I'd love for you to join us, and bring your friends too! For more details, please click HERE.

Tools for Morning and Evening prayer

2009-06-21T14:20:00.000-04:00

If you're like me your mind wanders horribly during prayer! I find that if I have a list of potential topics to spur me to think about different things it makes the time much more meaningful.

I also find that if I write things down I am much more focused. So, at the end of this article you will see links to forms that incorporate these teaser phrases in a way that lets you "fill in the blanks," so to speak.

Try them out, and then let me know what you think by clicking on the "comment" link at the bottom of this article.

Morning Prayer Tool

The theme of my dreams was...

A "God thing" from yesterday was...

God, I praise you because you are…

God, I thank you for…

God, today I am feeling…

God, today my faith is…

God, today I confess...

God, I want to better understand...

God, please help…

God, please bless…

God, I am worried about…

God, I need your help with…

In Jesus' name and authority I send to flight the evil forces affecting...

God, what I need from you today is…

God what would you like me to do about…

God, what are the most important things for me to do accomplish today?

God, what do you want to say to me right now?

If you would like to use a one-page form as an aid in writing out your responses to these questions, scroll to the bottom.

Evening Prayer Tool

God, I praise you because you are…

God, I thank you for…

God, today I felt…

God, today my faith was…

God, today I confess...

God, I want to better understand...

God, please help…

God, please bless…

God, I am concerned about…

God, I need your help with…

In Jesus' name and authority I send to flight the evil forces affecting...

God, what I need from you tomorrow is…

God what would you like me to do about…

God, what are the most important things for me to do accomplish tomorrow?

God, I'd like you to speak to me in my dreams about...

God, what are you saying to me?

NOTE: Clicking on these links below will bring you to a page where you can view the desired form. To Save the form, click on the word "Download" underneath the document. To Print the form, click on the word "More" at the top of the document, and choose "Print."

There is a Word and PDF version of each form. Choose whichever works best for you.

Morning Prayer Too...

Hosted by eSnips

Morning Prayer Too...

Hosted by eSnips

Evening Prayer Too...

Hosted by eSnips

Evening Prayer Too...

Hosted by eSnips

MINISTRY NEWS

I will be holding a free teleclass on the topic, "Healing is a Choice," on Saturday morning, July 11th, at 11AM Eastern. For more information, click HERE.

Are you myopic? Or hyperopic?

2009-06-14T07:47:00.000-04:00

There once was a man who took really good care of himself. He exercised daily, got plenty of sleep, was never late with a payment, and had several interesting hobbies. His motto was, "Charity begins at home." However, he was never available to take friends to the airport, gave a dollar a week at church, thought that national and international news was boring and irrelevant, and avoided friends if they were having problems. He was myopic. Near-sighted.

There once was a woman who loved everyone. She took casseroles to the sick, volunteered for all committees at church, mowed her elderly neighbor's lawn, and gave generously to strangers in need. Her motto was, "It's better to burn out than rust out." However, she was broke, overweight, unhappy, and exhausted. She was on the verge of needing to be taken care of by others. She was hyperopic. Far-sighted.

Is it wrong to be near-sighted? Is it wrong to be far-sighted? Which is better?

The problem is that they're both disorders. A near-sighted person gets corrective lenses to enable him to see things at a distance, while continuing to see things close up. A far-sighted person gets lenses that help her see up close, while retaining her ability to see a distance.

Which corrective lenses do you need? Do you tend to be very aware of your own needs, and work to meet them, but stay relatively unfazed by the needs of others? Or are you always busy trying to meet the needs of others, while ignoring your own?

The Bible speaks simply to this issue: "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Philippians 2:4, NIV)

If you are near-sighted, the challenge is to begin to become more concerned about others. Intentionally get involved with people and situations and projects that get you out of yourself. Go on a short-term missions trip. Volunteer at a food bank. Call someone you know who is having a tough time. Pick a percentage of your income (even 1%) to start giving away to people in need, or worthy causes. Do something on purpose that is difficult or uncomfortable. Don't worry. You can do these things and still take good care of yourself!

If you are far-sighted, the challenge for you is to begin taking better care of yourself. Take a day off by shutting off the phone and not answering the door. Get counseling. Plan an event that has no purpose other than fun and enjoyment. Say "no" to someone. Join a club or a group that builds up your mental, emotional, or physical health. Delegate. Buy something for yourself that is absolutely not essential. Maybe even frivolous. For a week, choose to only talk to people who adore you. Turn things over to God. Give him have a chance to solve the world's problems. Don't worry. You can do these things and still give lots of time left to serve others. And the help you give will be a much better quality!

If you need corrective lenses, wear them! You will enrich your own life, and the lives of those around you. And you'll bump into stuff less!

Ministry News: We are still offering 3 free hours of free phone counseling to new clients, as well as previous clients who have not had counseling with us for at least a year. Who do you know that needs help?

Excuses for not getting help

2009-06-07T14:41:00.000-04:00

I am in a position to encourage people to get help for their problems, sometimes involving significant expense or travel. Here are the most common excuses I hear, and my responses.

It costs too much money.
*Not getting help is usually more expensive than getting help.
I’m too busy.
*That's probably part of the problem.
My spouse won’t let me.
*Your spouse is not your parent.
I’m not the one with the problem, he is!
*Is his problem affecting you?
I’m going to try it on my own for awhile.
*That’s what you’ve been doing. Check the results.
I can’t find a therapist, group, or program that’s the perfect fit for me.
*You never will.
My kids will miss me while I’m away.
*But they’ll love the new and improved you!
I just need to be stronger and try harder.
*If that's all it took you would be better by now.
I have to take care of a sick friend, relative, or pet.
*Someone else can. Contrary to popular opinion you are not indispensable!
Turning to others for help means I am not trusting God.
*Can you trust that God will work through his people?
The future is more important than the past.
*Right. And addressing the past will help you have a better future.
I have to attend my daughter’s dance competition.
*If you were in a car accident you wouldn’t attend it. Maybe you’ve been in an emotional accident!
Spending that much time or money on myself is selfish.
*Taking good care of yourself will actually enable you to be more useful to others.

Please comment below and let us know what excuses tend to keep you from getting the help you need. Or maybe tell us of a time when you took a risk and invested heavily in your own healing and recovery, and how it paid off. (If you can't figure out how to leave a comment, email me and I'll send you instructions... doug@growingandhealingministries.com.) Thanks!

NEWS

Coach Doug is working through the first course in his PhRD program. It's called "Spiritual Formation" and has to do to with the various disciplines that aid in spritual and personal growth.
We are considering holding one day teleclasses on various topics. They would probably be for 2 hours on a Saturday morning. We'd love to hear what topics you would be interested in. Leave a comment. Thanks!

To Forgive AND Forget?

2009-05-18T12:44:00.000-04:00

I am curious Doug. I read somewhere on your blog that you have grieved your losses fully.

My questions...

When I make a choice to forgive someone for a wrong they've done to me why is it that I am still very distressed when I see them?

Why is it that I vacillate between feelings of outrage and feelings of compassion? I tell myself things like they really didn't want to do it, that they are too afraid to be authentic and real, to expose themselves.

For that matter, what is fully grieved?

This is a wrong that deeply, deeply hurt me, impacted my personal safety, and turned my life upside down. I wonder if I have not fully grieved the loss and damage they caused.

Help!

Troubled in Toledo

Dear Troubled in Toledo,

First of all, I'm so sorry that you exprienced this. It sounds horrible! :(

Although I don't know the particular injustice that you experienced, I think you are confusing several things together, which is easy to do when you have been traumatized. Healing, forgiveness, reconciliation, emotions, grief, and boundaries are difficult to sort out sometimes.

Let's start with forgiveness. What a confusing subject!! A couple of things I think it is not are:

It is not believing of saying it was "OK." If it were ok, forgiveness would not be needed.

It is not liking the person.

It is not having warm fuzzies about the person.

It is not wanting to be close to the person.

It is not forgetting that it ever happened.

It is not feeling no "hurt" by the damage.

So, what is it?? I think the best analogy is that of debt. When you forgive someone of a debt, you don't keep looking to get repaid. It's cancelled. They don't owe you anything anymore. You don't send them to collections. You let it go. They're free. And so are you. The account is settled.

Another way I think about it is "letting go of the desire for revenge." To cause harm to them equal (or greater) than the harm done to you. That would be just. That would balance the scales. That woudl even the score. But that would't be forgiveness. Forgiveness is not holding a grudge.

Boundaries. Boundaries are what we do to protect ourself from harm. Just because you have forgiven someone doesn't mean you might not need boundaries to protect yourself from further harm. Yes, you forgave them for what they did in the past. But if they are not a safe person you would do well to learn from the past and not put yourself needlessly in the way of harm. Learning to discern whether someone is safe or not is a very important skill to learn. If you have grown up in an abusive family, you probably have no idea how to do that.

Reconciliation. Forgiveness is something you can choose to do all on your own. Reconciliation, however, depends on what the other person does as well. Reconciliation has to do with opening up your heart to the person again, letting them into your inner circle again. Again, how safe they are is critical. But also, how invested in the relationship with you are they? Have they demonstrated sincere repentance, with more than just words? Have they been grateful for your forgiveness? Have they been sensitive to your need for healing, and boundaries? If so, it may be wise to slowly approach a relationship with them again. People who work through that process usually end up being closer to each other than they were before the injury. The cast or splint may be stronger than the bone, so to speak.

Emotions. This is the trickiest part of it all! Emotions can be all over the map, regardless of what stage you are at in the whole process. Anger, hurt, depression, fear, rationalization, pity, anxiety, hate, minimizing, physical pain, and more are all normal and typical reactions to severe injury. They're ok. They have a point. But they are not THE point. Let them come and go. Talk about them. Feel them. But don't let them control what you DO. Keep doing the things mentioned above... Forgive, discern, set good boundaries, be open to reconciliation if appropriate. Do the right things, and let the feelings be what they will be. I often say, "If you got hit by a drunk driver and were laid up in the hospital, you could choose to forgive the driver, but you might still have lots of pain, and lots of emotions.

Triggers. When you are around the person who caused you the harm it may be very normal for you to feel fear. Even if they are now a safe person! Sometimes our emotions get triggered by a person or a situation that reminds us of the harm. Usually you can talk yourself through it, pray, come back to sanity.

PTSD: Depending on the type of harm that was done to you, how long it lasted, how sensitive you were, etc., you may have post traumatic stress disorder. If the level of harm is this deep you will struggle with difficult and painful and irrational emotions at unpredictable times. These will seem intrusive, unwanted, aggravating. You may experience "panic attacks." Generally, just talking about it, or trying to think logically, is not going to work. You may need some deep treatment, such as theophostic healing prayer, or EMDR (a psychological treatment using rapid eye movement). This is a very difficult and stubborn condition. If you have it, give yourself some grace, and don't beat yourself up for not "recovering" quickly. That will just make it worse.

Grief: Fully feeling the pain of the loss or harm helps you get through it to the other side. Most of us cut our grief process short, because it hurts too much. But if we bury it, we bury it alive, and it will come back to haunt us. I use a couple of analogies. One is a pool. You've got to dive deep into the pool, go all the way and touch bottom, and come up and go to the other side. Some people never touch bottom. Some people never go to the other side. You've got to do both. Another concept is the "three bottle theory." When you are hurt, God gives you a bottle, a friend a bottle, and he keeps a bottle. When all three bottles are filled up with our tears, we will have adequately grieved and healed, and will be able to move on confidently. Our society is way too skiddish about crying. "Bottling up" your tears helps no one.

I hope that helps sort out what sounds like a confusing situation!

Peace to you.

Coach Doug

Relevant Links

Book: Safe People http://www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Relationships-Avoid-those/dp/0310210844/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1203393889&sr=8-1

Book: Forgiving the Unforgiveable http://www.amazon.com/Forgiving-Unforgivable-David-Stoop/dp/0830737235/ref=pd_bbs_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1203393937&sr=1-1

Book: Boundaries http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/0310247454/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1203394096&sr=1-1

Our BAILOUT Plan

2009-05-18T12:33:00.000-04:00

These are difficult financial times! Chances are you know someone who needs counseling, but can't afford it.

We want to do our part to help.

Until further notice, Growing & Healing Ministries will provide up to 3 hours of phone counseling at no charge for any new client, or any former client who has not used our services for at least a year.

No strings. No obligation. Just call 1-888-899-1923 to set it up. Or email info@growingandhealingministries.com and include your phone number.

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What my life would look like WITHOUT my character defects

2009-05-18T12:29:00.000-04:00

This was written by a former client, with permission.

A life without People Pleasing would allow me more energy physically, emotionally and mentally. It would afford me the opportunity to do some fun creative things that I’m currently unable to do because at the end of the day I don’t have the energy to carry them out. I would be free to be me, be accountable to me and not looking for someone else’s approval, so I can feel good about myself.

A life without Exaggeration or Deceitfulness would allow me the opportunity to be straightforward and not worry about what others think. I would not have to make myself look better to other people than I really am or put on appearances that I am better than what does actually exist in my life. I will get my esteem from within rather than from the outside and as I moderate myself others will listen, and hear me as I’m not exaggerating something which causes them to question what I am saying.

A life without Dishonesty and Lying would allow me freedom from that sick feeling that erupts in my stomach when I am being dishonest or lying. It would help me to walk in integrity without the fear of being found out as a liar. I could esteem myself from within rather than seeking to do so from others as I moderate myself and learn to use boundaries well. Integrity would allow me to be humble and admit when I thought more of myself rather than submitting to a process that I formerly didn’t give any credit to.

A life without acting out a Hypochondriac/Physical Injury would allow me freedom to live my life well. To not have to have an illness to get someone’s attention, but to find other means to get my needs met and to be recognized for some accomplishments other than recognized for sicknesses or injuries. I can deal with the real problems or feelings that I’m faced with and not have to injure myself in an attempt to withdraw from life’s circumstances I’m afraid to face. I would accept that I have value and run with it and not hide from it.

A life without Blaming Others For My Circumstances would allow me to take ownership for my thoughts, feelings, wants, needs and actions. I would not need to look for an individual to accuse, blame, criticize, ridicule or attack when something doesn’t go as I have planned. Instead I get to own it and see how I could have done something better, so I can learn from it.

A life without Gossiping Against Those Who Oppose Me would allow me freedom and energy to do other things, learn to let go rather than hold a grudge, let someone else off the hook rather than expending energy to make someone pay for the opposition. Would allow others to feel safe and may cause them to want to draw near rather than to withdraw from me.

A life without Shutting Others Out would allow me to have friends, a sense of community for that is what I’ve longed for. It would allow others to speak into my life and I would not have to fear their rejection, but consider what they may have to offer me that would enhance my life. I would have the opportunity to learn rather than loose energy in keeping the one up position.

A life without Striving For Power and Recognition would allow me the opportunity to rest, be content and satisfied with who I am rather than trying to make a place for myself. I’d get to benefit from the scripture in Psalms or Proverbs that says your gift makes a place for you at the table. Proverbs 18:16 – A man’s gift maketh room for him, and bringeth him before great men.

A life without Indecisiveness would allow me time and energy to live more life. It would free me to make a decision and live with it and its consequences rather than “spinning” in regard to what I fear others might think concerning my decision or fear to appear less than based on my decision.

A life without Helplessness would allow me an opportunity to explore, grow, and feel a sense of accomplishment. It would cause me to know what the growing process feels like and to succeed rather than to shrink back out of fear. I would not have to be less than, but live in the sense of my own worth and value.

A life without being a victim would allow me to have a new identity. To reach for goals, believe in myself, to walk out of my circumstances rather than to accept that what life has given me is all that I am worthy of. It would allow me the opportunity to take new risks and risk succeeding rather than accepting the shame or less than position that has felt so comfortable.

A life without being irresponsible financially would allow me the opportunity to be at peace when low economic times encapsulate us. It would allow me to plan and prepare for my future instead of fearing it. I would plan for events and enjoy them rather than sulk that I wasn’t able to do something due to my lack of planning or sulk because others had more money than I did and had greater opportunities than I did. I would have the opportunity to get some things I want and be happy, but not bound by them.

A life without Irrational or Extreme Thinking would allow me be to be vulnerable, to risk sharing my hurts or fears rather than having to clothe myself in extreme or irrational thinking which most times leads to anger and an incongruent reality. It would allow me to practice moderation and be accepted rather than rejected for my immoderation.

A life without Perfectionism would allow me the opportunity to enjoy life, others and my environment without being on all the time. It would allow people to draw close rather than to risk me correcting their speech, fixing their shirt or picking a hair off their clothing. I could let go and conserve the energy to do other desirable things.

A life without Over Commitment would allow me the opportunity to enjoy life, not stress out or continue in a sense of chaos when I am overwhelmed by my commitments. I’d have to deal with my feelings rather than accept the discomfort I feel when chaos rears its head and I feel over committed.

A life without Misplaced Responsibility would allow me more freedom to live my life without getting into others. I don’t have to fix others and I have more time to do things that I will find satisfactory and enjoyable. I will get to observe other people and their choices, but will no longer feel obligated to fix them or offer them all my “wisdom” which they never wanted in the first place I learned much to my astonishment and horror when I was still so full of myself.

A life without being Critical of others would allow me the opportunity to compliment rather than criticize. Grow in acceptance rather than criticize. Grow in awareness rather than looking for someone to blame or expose so that I can feel better than at their expense.

A life without Pushing others to be my Higher Power would allow me the opportunity to think on my own feet. Allow me to own my thoughts feelings, wants and needs without pushing off my personal responsibility so I can blame another person rather than owning my own stuff around that. It would allow me to live a life that is fulfilling motivated by my own power rather than sucking the life out of someone else to discover what they think and allow me to think on my own without fearing the repercussions of my choices.

A life without Lack of Passion out of Fear would allow me to succeed. To explore my fears and find out what holds me back from succeeding or accomplishing those things that truly are hidden inside. I get to risk being known rather than withdrawing. Learn from any mistakes I make along the way and right them off as a lesson learned rather than spinning in shame as I’ve previously done.

A life without Explosive Expressions of emotions would allow me to be moderate, to feel the acceptance of others rather than the rejection of others. It would allow a great deal of peace which would replace the turbulence I have felt for so many years due to the chaos of felt both internally and externally. I would live the abundant life rather than the chaotic life of poor choices of not knowing how to identify my emotions, moderate them rather than allowing them to dominate me and protect others rather than spewing toxins out on another person making me an unsafe person to be near.

A life without Controlling the Reality of others would allow me to learn a new way to be comfortable. It would allow me to let go and let them discover their own consequences rather than be the “Food Queen, Health Queen, Know it All Porcupine Queen” which caused others to withdraw and hide from the discomfort I inflicted on others. We just watched 7 Pounds where there was a scene where the guy scared out of her mind a single mom with two kids whose boyfriend was being very abusive. She wasn’t ready to accept the truth and it was a great illustration to understand what I have been doing to others. When she was ready, she made the call. I can walk in awareness, but have more energy to extend grace, love, compassion or acceptance or state that would not be okay with me, but not feel responsible to change or fix them.

A life without an Inadequate Sex Life or Intimacy Issues would allow me to be vulnerable, state my sensual desires where I could be soft, tender and take greater risks to be known rather than demand, be harsh or critical. I would find tenderness as I’ve never know, learn more compassion and awareness in knowing my mate rather than hear that I don’t know him and we’ve lived together x# of years.

A life without Blocking intimacy with extreme conclusions would allow me be loved, valued and to be vulnerable rather than defending myself in fear that I might actually get what I want. It would allow us to draw close to one another in tenderness, taking risks to be known more and accepting my mate for his strengths as well as his weakness rather than requiring him to be strong all the time out of my fear that I will not be well protected or may suffer abuse again.

A life without Unnecessary Arguments would allow me to walk freely, not have to make myself look better when I feel small inside. I could deal with the past and forgive instead of making someone else pay for the former offenses of another. I could let go of the need for perpetual chaos and walk in dignity and self respect rather than tearing at other people’s value or shaming them for things that formerly triggered me and is really a place I am still wounded and need to grow in.

A life without Resentment, score keeping, and jealousy in relationships or concerning belongings would allow me the opportunity to grow in contentment, enjoy the things and relationships I have. Allow others the freedom to be themselves without manipulating them to give me some of what they have. To rejoice with another person rather than resent them for what they have relationally, financially, spiritually or emotionally.

A life without Self-Centeredness, Unable to be Present or Counted On would allow me the opportunity to live life without others being disappointed with me. I would no longer have to fear their judgment or fear letting them down. I could own my limits as well as know my strengths and accept that I do not have to be perfect or put on a facade that I am. Owning my weaknesses allow me to walk in awareness rather than self-centeredness; it allows me to be present rather than withdrawing out of inferior feelings that formerly dominated me; it allows other to count on me because I’ve already counted the cost before committing.

A life without My Way Or The Highway would allow me to walk in humility rather than a One Up position where I am always trying to prove myself value to myself and to others. It would allow me to make myself vulnerable and ask another person what their perspective is and how they would handle a situation. It would allow an opportunity to know others in a greater capacity and take the risk to let others be in control so I could loose control and enjoy the ride more often than not.

A life without Always Having To Be Right would allow me the same luxury that living without My Way or the Highway affords. It would allow me to walk in humility rather than a One Up position where I am always trying to prove myself value to me and to others. It would allow me to make myself vulnerable and ask another person what their perspective is and how they would handle a situation. It would allow an opportunity to no others in great capacity and take the risk to let others be in control so I could loose control and enjoy the ride more often than not.

A life without Low Self Esteem would allow me to grow in expressing myself, look for other ways to esteem myself and learn more of what I like, think, feel, want and need. It would afford me the opportunity to explore new things, take new risks and discover things I may have previously feared. Awareness of Low Self Esteem has opened up a myriad of new places I want to venture out in.

A life without An Inability to esteem others would allow me to encourage others. Look for ways to build others up, think of others more than myself, and grow in compassion and understanding of others. Walk in awareness that sometimes others need someone else to care at a low point in their life.

A life without Poor Self Care would allow me the opportunity to live a long health life I want to live rather than medicating myself to death. It will allow me the opportunity to enjoy life because I feel good and no longer withdraw out of fear through medication of some sort. Only potential lies ahead as I choose to live life abundantly rather than in fear.

A life without Justification would allow the opportunity to know myself without blaming, accusing or criticize others for situations I felt were substandard. It would cause me to walk in integrity, no longer acting in a covert way to get others to agree with me so I can feel good about myself. It will allow me to face my feelings of inferiority and to no longer live in Fear of "Not Looking Good" in other people's eyes as I’m no longer looking for them to esteem me, but I know how to do that for myself.

People just like you made it through!

2009-05-18T12:27:00.001-04:00

One thing that puzzles me is how easy the people in the Bible had it. Everything always went right. They had no problems or struggles. Their prayers were answered immediately. They had perfect families. And they had more money than they knew what to do with!

Me? Well, I struggle with the current economic downturn, my health could be better, just started a new business that takes so much of my time, I have three teenagers, get a bad attitude more than I care to admit, and so on! I wish I had it as good as those saints of old.

Oh. Wait a minute. Now that I think about it, some of those bible heroes did have occasional hard times... I mean, Joseph. His brothers couldn't stand him, decided to kill him, then changed their mind and sold him as a slave. Then he gets to do time in prison for trying to stay pure. I guess his life was not always a piece of cake.

Oh, and maybe Noah. He was constantly ridiculed when building a boat in the desert. Nobody but his family listened to his warnings.

We can throw in David, if you'd like. Saul hunted him down like prey. His son died in infancy. And his son mounted a rebellion against him. Not good times.

Another exception might be Jacob who worked 7 years for his wife, and then had to work another 7 because he was tricked! That would be a drag.

Jeremiah was torn apart inside, depressed and resentful because no one listened to the word of God he was declaring.

Moses got to see the Promised Land but wasn't allowed to enter it, even though God had used him to deliver the people from Egypt.

And what about Daniel who got thrown in the lion's den just because he prayed? That's not a walk in the park.

Paul was certainly another exception since he had multiple prison stays, severe floggings, stonings, shipwrecks, was often hungry, thirsty, tired, cold, and naked, and was in danger from just about everyone. Not a posh life.

And we must mention Jesus. Reviled, persecuted, disbelieved, abandoned, betrayed, beaten, crucified... a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. Not the lifestyle of the rich and famous!

I admit, there are a large number of exceptions. In fact, I'd have to say that an easy, problem-free life IS the exception among Bible characters!

The Good News? Because of their faith, these folks made it through! Not because they were better people than you and me... stronger, smarter, holier, charmed. But because of their faith in the One who was in charge of their lives. They trusted that God was good in spite of their circumstances. They trusted that even if their faith led to death that God was still in charge, that he still loved and cared about them, and that they would still get their reward on the other side. They had eyes to see the reality that extends beyond the physical. Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” (NIV)

What are you up against today? Bankruptcy? A dissolving marriage? Loss of a job? Devastating illness? Rebellious children? Loss of hope? Loss of direction? Emotional pain? Addiction? Whatever it is, do you have faith? Faith that God still loves you? That he is in control of your life? That he wants the best for you? That he will never leave you or forsake you? That no matter what you suffer in this life, your eternal reward will far outweigh it? If you have faith in this God, you can make it through ANYTHING! Even death.

Let me leave you today with an encouraging word from Hebrews 12:1-3. “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up.” (NLT)

Jesus made it through. Others made it through. You can too!!

Amen

This article was originally written by Doug Doan for Christian Professionals Resource